Cameo Brown's Erotica

Miss Witch Halloween Treat--Free Story

2011-10-31T07:10:00.000-07:00

RETURN TO CAFE PRIAPUS

Miss Witch was published by Ruthiesclub.com in 2008. The site is no longer in business, and so poor Miss Witch has had nowhere to wreak her special brand of havoc until now. I thought I'd post her story as a Halloween treat this year, and maybe next year add an adventure or two.

This pulpy horror piece with Domina overtones was meant to be the first in a series of adventures for the delightfully horny and clever Miss Witch, a cross between a supernatural superhero and a self-employed ghoul assassin.

Miss Witch enjoys her job, which is to rid the world of all nasty, naughty monsters, fiends, vampires, mummies, etc., and she dispatches her prey only after enjoying a bit of carnal pleasure with each. She’s campy, vampy, and always gets her man (and sometimes a woman). Gorgeously statuesque, with long legs, pale skin and jet black curly hair in the most important places, Miss Witch can seduce any type of scary soul and does so rather frequently.

If you feel safe in your bed at night, you can thank Miss Witch. If you don't, have no fear, Miss Witch is screwing her way through Horrordom as fast as she can, and enjoying every minute of it!

WARNING: This story contains scenes of graphic sex. It is not erotic romance but erotic horror. If you do not like sexually graphic horror stories, please do not read further.

Miss Witch

Miss Witch lay there on the table, bound to it with itchy twine, spread-legged, and writhing in seemingly great despair.

“Oh, you wicked monster,” she whispered in her kittenish voice. “Whatever will you do to me?”

The monster snorted and grunted. He was an ugly thing, with his head all misshapen and his skin all lumpy. He dripped of slime. Leafy debris clung here and there to his mottled green skin, giving him the appearance of the remains of a man who’d been dragged to death in the woods, only more hideous. His stocky, blocky frame was definitely solid enough to do damage if he wanted, even with the tremendous hump on his back pulling him off balance.

Miss Witch didn’t twitch, though, nor did she flinch. Even with her silky, little black skirt pulled up and her pussy bare for all to see—though the Miss and the monster were conveniently alone in his tres modern apartment—she felt in control.

Miss Witch was always in control. This was her game, her pleasure. Maybe she enjoyed it too much. Maybe she was a sociopath just like the eepy-creepies she killed. Actually, she knew she was, but by golly, it’s what she was meant to do. Even if it was just in her own head. She had done this before and would do it again. Her nipples hardened at the thought of it, at the thought of fulfilling her true purpose and potential, as misguided and deviant as she was.

Wasn’t that what everyone wanted?

“Ooooh, that stings, you big, bad monster,” she pouted as the monster tapped her hairy mound with his new silicon spoon, exploring it with the same intense caution as a caveman discovering fire.

It didn’t really hurt, but the brute wouldn’t know the difference, would he? The silly drooling fiend probably thought he was in control. As if.

He tapped her damp black curls again, and when he finally decided they posed no danger, at least none that he could discern, he sniffed at the space between her legs, following the lovely odor all the way up to her snatch and back. What was this salty thing?

Though he didn’t really have a nose, just two openings in the middle of his face that leaked yucky orange snot, he caught the scent of her hot, wet cunt. The monster backed off and danced a weird jig, lifting his special spoon high and beating himself on the forehead with it, his monster ooey gooey splashing everywhere. The scent of fresh, clean pussy will do that to the male of any species, and sometimes even to the female (but that’s another story).

Monster grabbed at the fleshy green appendage between his stocky legs and howled an unearthly howl. He hopped around and threw his head back, drool glistening on his long, pointy fangs and pooling around the lipless, gaping space on his face that passed for his mouth. Miss Witch flicked her hips to send the scent of her need airborne, torturing the monster a little more. He jumped up and down and wildly waved his arms. His inflamed organ hardened with every movement, its resemblance to a fat taper covered in its own waxy drippings uncanny.

“Untie me, baby, and I can take care of that for you,” Miss Witch coaxed, though she knew the dumb beast couldn’t understand.

That was always the risk with these creatures. Some of them couldn’t figure out the connection between their sudden wild urges and Miss Witch’s available openings, so she had to get a bit creative sometimes.

But perhaps not tonight. Mr. Monster had discovered during his jungle dance that a closed fist felt good. This monster boy’s IQ must be higher than average, which put him in the high single digits, because his gaze fixed on Miss Witch, who wiggled her puss and groaned in her best damsel in distress voice,

“Oh, you big monster boy, don’t you even think of putting that big, ugly thing in my tight, tiny pussy!”

Though she knew that’s just what he would do, and he did...or tried to anyway. Here he came, his throbbing monster cock bulging in his massive claw-tipped monster fingers, dripping orange slimy droplets that made Miss Witch lick her lips. To her utter dismay, the big dummy rubbed his dick across her tummy instead.

“No, no, no!” Miss Witch admonished. “Try here! Here!” she commanded, wiggling her hips again so the monster could get the idea.

However, he didn’t, so Miss Witch rested a moment, blowing a wayward curl from her forehead as she pondered the best way to remove monster cum from her sparkly black lace bra-top. Her creepy lothario wasn’t getting any closer to her cunt and was, in fact, moving in the wrong direction at that very moment, heading toward her lovely black lips. She could blow him, suck him off, and that would get the job done. Monster cum did have a pleasing tangy taste, but any spare droplets could possibly ruin her spangley couture, the appropriation of which had been a coup.

She briefly pondered her escapade at the wax museum—what had the guard wondered when he found the Britney Spears figure naked that morning? It took an awful lot of effort for Miss Witch to acquire her fine outerwearable underwear, and why should she have to give up her favorite, hard-earned attire because some stupid brute couldn’t find her glory passage?

So Miss Witch, tired of fucking around without fucking around, blew a kiss toward the ropes tying her left hand and ankle, then she blew a kiss toward the ropes tying her right hand and ankle. The ropes obediently fell away, and Miss Witch was free to pursue her prey.

She grabbed monster boy’s slimy, hard dick and pulled him forward toward his destiny, the one between her thighs. She tugged hard enough to get him on the table in the exact right spot on top of her, but not hard enough to grant her penile prisoner early release. Shoving his ridiculous cock between her slick folds made Mr. Monster’s orbs glow red, and when she rubbed herself against his hard thing, he made a noise between a whimper and a groan that made beautiful music with the thunky clatter of the ultra avant-garde spoon—made with material used by astronauts, by the way—as it hit the floor.

The hair in Monster’s one good ear, the one that he hadn’t gnawed off yet, sprouted out a full inch, giving the creatures inside a chance to escape. Worms and bugs and all kinds of critter litter slithered and slathered and crawled this way and that, creating a kaleidoscope of colors and textures there on the side of his head that would have put any decomposing body to shame. It was quite a display.

Gawd, she loved fucking monsters!

Miss Witch briefly thought about Sam—her sweet, sexy slave, Sam. He would wait up all night until she returned to the cave, preparing potions that didn’t need prepared and cleaning things that didn’t need cleaned. He would pretend he’d been up anyway, but the truth was—and Miss Witch always knew the truth—that sexy Sam was sweet on her.

Poor lad! He didn’t understand she had been chosen to save the world from eepy creepies and icky uckies. Yes, darling Sam would wait up for her, and then, no matter how tired he was, he would worship her pussy in that special way of his, and she would wonder why she didn’t retire before some ghastly fate befell her, which it could. It wouldn’t, though, because she was Miss Witch…

And she had a job to do.

It wouldn’t be long now, if she weren’t careful, before Monster’s icky cum ruined her pretty little outfit, so she pulled herself back and pushed him away. Him, the big, bad drooly monster who seemed to have forgotten she was supposed to be the entrée at his monsterfest tonight. The terrorizer of small children and the evil being that populated the nightmares of adults. Now he panted and drooled and farted and snorted. He’d started to fall completely apart, Miss Witch’s vixen ways working a spell on him already. If she wasn’t so horny, she’d leave him that way, and he’d eventually melted into a pile of gloppy goo, a big lustful amoeba. Her way was so much better.

Miss Witch leapt from the table with the greatest of ease and strode purposefully, in her favorite three-inch black stiletto heels, toward the cauldron, making sure to shake her nice round butt. She lifted one long leg over the rim, letting the dappled roughness of the iron massage her clit ever so gently, then she dragged the other leg over and slid into the waist-deep tepid water, all the while thinking that so far the cauldron had a better chance of getting her off than the monster. But Miss Witch had a job to do, a purpose to fulfill, and if she only got a tiny little orgasm instead of a big, exploding one that made her cum all over the floor and made sparks shoot out of her eyes, well, then, that was just a part of the job, and Miss Witch loved her job.

As she expected, the monster followed, hobbling over to the big black iron pot with an eager evil gleam in his sight orbs. Miss Witch giggled. One taste of her pussy, and none of them could ever get enough. Tonight, her hulky amour would be no different.

“Come get me, big boy,” she cooed.

Poor, pathetic monster! He looked at the pot, then at Miss Witch, then at the spoon on the floor and finally at his throbbing monster dick. Decisions, decisions.

“For Hecate’s sake, baby, don’t forget your special spoon.”

Miss Witch, ever helpful, had made the decision for him, and he waddled as fast as he could with his dick in his claws to the spoon on the floor and grabbed it up. Then he waddled as fast as his bulky form could go toward the cauldron and stared at it miserably. His hands were full—how would he get in?

Miss Witch solved that problem too. She grabbed him by his short, almost non-existent neck and pulled him over the edge, cock and spoon and all. Like a tiny black butterfly, a thought briefly flitted through her mind as he splashed into the water that she should simply drown him, but Miss Witch, way overdue for some serious fuckin’ and on the verge of becoming very cranky, instead pushed him against the side of the huge pot and pinned him there with her sparkly tits. Her hands searched the water and latched on to her prize—monster cock!

Quickly, she pushed his hard, slimy penile appendage inside of her, bringing the red glow back to Monster’s orbs and sending a tingling sensation all through her lower parts. Giving herself a minute to adjust to his massive girth, Miss Witch deftly maneuvered the rubbery, soft spoon handle so that it lodged just so against her hardened clit, the delicious friction making her cunt spasm in response. Not too hard and not too soft. With everything in place, she used her hips to stroke the stunned monster’s hardness, faster and faster until she rode him like a wild beast. Oooh, she rode him so hard.

With every thrust, he snotted and snorted and grunted, and with every brush of the soft spoon handle against her clit and every plunge of his cock into her tightness, she came closer and closer to the edge. Finally, so close she couldn’t stand it anymore, Miss Witch pulled the spoon out of the way, tilted her hips up, and took in Monster’s cock as deep as it would go, rubbing her hard clit against his lumpy skin in quick, rhythmical bursts.

He exploded inside of her with a loud primitive wail, and she climaxed just after his sloppy jism bathed her cunt in a delightful heat. The air filled with a feline yowl as she reveled in the feel of his pebble-like sperm bouncing around inside of her like bumblebees swirling around a hive.

As expected, the monster succumbed to her glittery cum as it filled the cauldron and mixed with his orange ejaculate. Miss Witch loved that her lusty liquid matched her bra-top, but more than that, it reminded her of stars floating in a deep black sky. Plus, it possessed the quality of never sticking to her skin or anything she wore. Was that a job perk or what?

Miss Witch’s pussy felt almost too full and too good to let Monster’s dick go, but a quick check of her nails reminded her that her recent manicure would be ruined if she resorted to hacking his precious thing off just for a few more minutes of bliss. Besides, Miss Witch had a job to do and she knew from experience that monster dick didn’t keep well, even in the fridge.

So, as the monster slipped into a deep, slobbery slumber courtesy of her magic dew and slid into the waves of the magical glop, pulling his cock along with him, Miss Witch grabbed the side of the pot, shimmied over the rim and glided down the side. Then, with great conviction, she stirred the whole mess, threw the spoon in for good measure, flipped the switch to the burner under the enormous pot and set about conjuring a mirror where she could primp while Monster stewed.

She stood there for some time wringing out her tiny skirt before doing her usual post-assignment check. With great ceremony, she spread her legs just a bit and hitched her damp skirt up with one hand to expose her sated pussy, raking her long red nails through her jet black curls to check for any stowaways. She found a frightened baby spider and gently flicked him off of her mound, then carefully grabbed a creepy crawly of undefinable origin and tossed it over her shoulder and into the boiling pot. One can never be too careful when fucking monsters, can one?

Satisfied she wouldn’t be taking any critters home to Sam, she turned and bent forward to inspect her bum for the same. Moonlight streamed through the high windows, illuminating her pale skin. In this position, just a hint of her pussy showed through—nicely pink with soft crinkles of sensitive flesh around her tight opening. Looking at it made Miss Witch horny all over again, and she sucked in a deep breath, closing her eyes at the thought of satisfying her urges the next time duty called.

An acrid smell and a cacophony of voices interrupted her sexy thoughts. Time to go! She adjusted her bra-top and shook her hips, forcing the folds of the skirt back where they belonged, just touching the top of her thighs. The mirror disappeared and she grabbed her matching mesh vest and tiny velvet purse.

With a quick peek in the pot at her monster goo stew, a smile lit on Miss Witch’s face. A job well done! It wasn’t over yet. Suddenly, the door swung wide and creepy things came crawling in… and walking and flying and slinking and so on. Ghosts, ghouls, monsters, skeletons, mummies, vampires, werewolves, zombies, fiends, and assorted other nasty, naughty things pressed through the door all at once, attracted, no doubt, by the delectable smell of cooking monster flesh. They pushed right past Miss Witch and ran straight to the pot.

“Look!” someone shouted, “Fresh monster goo stew!”

“I get the brain!” a zombie claimed.

“And I get an orb!” shouted a mummy.

“I want his cock!” hollered a girlie ghoul.

“Hey, where’s the spoon?”

With a roll of her eyes, Miss Witch made her exit as the monsterfest got under way with the eating of the host. She strode down the hall and made her way to the street, where creatures of all shapes and sizes hustled toward the party, the aroma beckoning them. Their eyes, among other parts of their twisted, deformed anatomies, bulged as Miss Witch strutted past, but they had no idea who this gorgeous dame was. They saw the arch of her tits and the twitch of her hips, but they didn’t see her velvety black bag of tricks as her magic heels click-clack-clicked down the cobblestone pavement and away from the fray.

Just after a block or so, by the yellow glow of the streetlights, Miss Witch stopped and cocked her hip, letting her skirt ride up just a bit so the cool evening air could cool the baby monster between her thighs, her tight pale thighs that had lured a thousand girls and guys to their ultimate doom and gloom and demise. Her monster man had been quite large and her climax quite satisfying, but…

A young man stood on the corner just across the street, gifted with a fine physique and looking quite mad. Mad as in crazy mad, not as in angry mad, and it occurred to Miss Witch that he might be awfully, awfully bad, which could be terribly fun for her. Yes, indeed, she could sense it ever–so-slightly. There was a wickedness about him that needed to be tamed, or beat out of him. Either way, she felt she was just the gal to do it. Hadn’t she just proved it?

So she sauntered on over to the crazy-eyed guy, the noise of her heels and the swoosh of her swinging purse catching his interest in the dark night. She stopped right in front of him and looked him up and down. He wore a faded T-shirt and jeans that fit his ass nice, along with a cape made of tweed hooked at the neck, a top hat, sneakers, and a crooked half-smile that made him seem almost normal. But Miss Witch knew he wasn’t. He had been a very naughty boy. She could just tell.

“Hey there,” she said, letting her eyes rove up and down his muscular frame.

She noted the doctor’s bag in his left hand. The gold embossed letters not obscured by his long fingers—J-a-c-k-T-h-e-R-i-p—caught the light just right.

“Ooooh,” she purred. “How kinky!”

He replied in a veddy, veddy British accent, his eyes twitching as he shifted his weight from left foot to right.

“I need a, um, date, for the evening.”

Miss Witch laughed at that. “I bet you do, Jacky-boy,” she said, “I bet you need a lot of things, including an outlet for that vivid imagination and your talent with those special tools.”

With that she shifted her hip and ripped open her vest, exposing her soft, inviting abdomen, the place where babies grow, where squishy parts waited to be explored. Jack jumped in surprise, and eyed her from the tits down with glowing admiration and the deepest psychotic desire.

“That—that’s what I need,” he stammered, fingering the handle of his bag with one hand and rubbing the front of his pants with the other.

A snicker and a swish of her hips later, Miss Witch was on the move, with Jack following behind her like a hungry puppy. Following her eagerly to his fate, his doom, to the best pussy he ever had.

And the last.

Seducing Gracie--The Lost Chapter

2011-10-27T18:37:00.000-07:00

To readers who bought my latest novella, Seducing Gracie: You're wonderful and I really appreciate your buying my book! I'm posting a bit of a Halloween treat. Here's the first chapter that was cut in the final edit. It's more horror than erotica, which is why it was revised out, but I thought some readers might like it. Enjoy!

Chapter 1

He watched her breasts rise and fall, pressing against the clingy peach cloth of her filthy tank top, their motion smooth even though her breathing increased to steady, shallow gasps as he approached. She pressed her face between her white-knuckled grip on the iron bars and peered into the hallway, squinting. The woman sensed him, felt his presence. Too bad for her.

His imagination revved up when he caught her scent. Fresh and human, laced with a hint of fear or excitement. Maybe a blend of both. Her kind thrived on either. He pictured torturing her nipples with his sharp teeth until she moaned, and nipping his way up the tan skin of her calves to her soft thighs and further on.

He longed to slide his tongue into the swollen folds hidden beneath her tight denim skirt and feast on her delicious wetness, then plunge his cock deep into her tight pussy. Or perhaps bending her over the cot in the jail cell and taking her from behind?

She shivered, shaking his essence and dragging him back to reality. Occasionally, a prisoner’s intuition keyed into him before he materialized from his dark corner. No matter. He had a job to attend to, and his victim’s feelings were of no consequence in any case.

He stepped from the shadows as if he’d been there watching over her, a tactic he’d learned long ago that had served him well when dealing with people just like Miss Vedra Duncan, people whose narcissism made them easy targets for a beast like him. Hark, barely containing his one-headed Chihuahua form, trotted in behind him and sat down at his feet, whimpering.

“Evenin’, ma’am,” he said, adjusting his voice out of habit.

His throat ached from the effort, but his real voice would tip her off, connect to that primitive part of her human brain that would recognize his kind and the danger she was in. It’d been centuries since that happened, but he had no desire to repeat the incident with this one.

He hated it when they screamed and begged for their lives, saying anything to get out of their death sentence, not that it affected him one way or the other. No, the commotion might attract the townspeople, and he didn’t like an audience, especially not one so eager and enthusiastic as the citizens of Wayland, the legend be damned.

“Well, hey there, handsome,” Vedra responded, her honeyed tone suggesting she’d gotten out of scrapes like this before with a swish of her hips and her tight, curvy ass. Not this time. “That’s a cute little puppy you got there.”

Visions of moist, pink pussy lips filled his mind, and the need to wet his tongue with her juices aroused him. His cock twitched, igniting his baser instincts.

Sex… mating… fucking… primal. Animal arousal heightened his senses, her sweaty, delicate fragrance inflaming his heated thoughts.

Unfortunately, the Urge awoke as well.

“You been watchin’ me from back there, Mr. --”

“Name’s Mayor Sam, and this here is Hark. And, yes, ma’am, I have.” He struggled to hold his vocal emanations within human levels, the Urge’s flickering to life inside him straining his mental and physical resources. Hark trembled and whined.

It’d been too long since Sam had taken a woman, but much longer since he’d fed the beast, since he’d taken human blood. The Urge burst to life, demanding satisfaction. He trembled, thick ichor gushing through his veins, and with it, the mutation began.

Vedra licked her bright red lips, offering her hand through the bars. “Well, my, my, my. Being called upon by the mayor and his sweet little puppy,” she crooned, her demeanor too friendly to be anything but manipulative. “Name’s Vedra, sugar. To what do I owe such an important visit?”

Her obvious insincerity opened the door on his rage, turning the key and unleashing the Urge in its full awful glory. His control, stretched way beyond its normal limits, snapped.

His roar reverberated off the stone walls and stunned her, if her saucer-wide eyes were any indication. Or perhaps his appearance caused the terror in her eyes and her clumsy stumble backward, as if any chance of escape remained. Did she think really she’d fade through the wall if she pressed herself into it?

Maybe Hark’s transformation terrified her the most, as it was wont to do. His other two heads popped out, one panting and terrified and one foaming and snapping and snarling. Immediately the two rabid heads bit at the third head, which howled in pain and tried in vain to get away. As soon as the fresh meat became available, they’d chomp on it instead of their weaker third. Until then, he would do as their victim.

Rich, crimson blood spurted from Vedra’s arm where his claws punctured her creamy skin, drawing Vedra’s wide-eyed, horrified interest long enough for him to seize the iron bars in his fists and bend an opening large enough to squeeze his hulking frame through. Splinters of iron scraped his bulging muscles, tearing at his hot skin.

Spikes of pain registered, and, furious, he spun on his metal tormentors, howling and incinerating the unlucky things with one acidic breath. When nothing but a pile of embers glowed, he snarled at it, and his attention returned to Vedra.

She cowered in the corner, holding her arm to her chest and whimpering as the blood soaked through her tank top, turning the worn peach material into a fashionably pinkish death shroud. The Urge screamed inside his mind, setting his brain on fire.

“She’s going to bleed to death before you can feed, you fool,” it warned in a ferocious whisper. It took no more than the hissed caution to spur him into action. He hated the taste of the dead’s blood -- so putrid as their sins decayed in the body’s own liquid purifier.

In seconds, he fell upon Vedra’s trembling form, ignoring his lust in favor of the urge to feed. A scream barely escaped her lips before his claws dug into her larynx and his massive hand popped the bones in her neck, stunning her and exposing her throat for his dining pleasure.

Hark’s dominant heads barked in solidarity, their impatient growls insistent as his wings expanded and surrounded him and his meal in a cloak of shadows.

Sam barely noticed the glossy texture of her chocolate-colored hair splaying across his fist as his fangs sunk into her now pallid flesh, death creeping through her petite body as he drank of her bitter blood.

The slurping sounds of his feeding, mixed with the final gentle gurgles of the life force ebbing from the young woman he held to his lips, echoed through the desolate jailhouse and filtered back into his muddled thoughts, inviting him back from his darkness.

His hunger abated, he sucked hard one last time, and Vedra jerked before going completely limp in his grip. He swallowed, savoring the silky texture of her life’s essence passing over his tongue, before retracting his wings and tossing her lifeless body aside. He stumbled forward into a damp stone wall. His head lolled back, exhaustion setting in. He slid down the wall while Hark dove into the remains to feast.

The ancient boards screeched in protest beneath his weight. The chilly air offered minimal relief to the fire consuming him, but with the Urge satisfied, it wouldn’t be long before the cold fog descended to pull him back into the gray nothingness over which he reigned. Hark’s two heads fed with gusto, stopping only long enough to nip at each other over the tastiest morsels.

Sam snorted to clear his nasal passages of the smell of her sins, and the droplets of Vedra’s blood that hadn’t dried on his fangs splashed against the slabs of gray rock.

Had the circumstances been different, he’d have worried about the stains; however, procedure dictated that only certain humans would see the jail cell, and they rarely, if ever, noticed the brownish discolorations. Even if they did, it wouldn’t matter, he thought, as Hark’s third head cowered at his feet and the fog descended.

By then, it would be too late.

Panties Not Included--Lesbian Love 2

2010-04-25T18:52:00.000-07:00

RETURN TO CAFE PRIAPUS

Hot off the press! My short story, Panties Not Included, is available in Xcite's anthology, Lesbian Love 2. If you enjoy the excitement of that first blush of attraction and the heat of simmering desire, you might like this story about two college girls who discover their immediate chemistry over a bin filled with panties at the local mall. A chance encounter that leads to an afternoon of erotic fulfillment...yummy!

Kimmy is having a bad day until Tuesday, a violet-eyed beauty who awakens her deepest needs, interrupts her panty shopping and changes her life forever. After an afternoon pleasing and exploring each other's desires, an unexpected breathless revelation releases Kimmy from the past and allows her to embrace the possibility of lusty, happy togetherness with her new lover, panties not included.

Pleasure 2035

2009-03-14T18:26:00.001-07:00

RETURN TO CAFE PRIAPUS

Just released on Friday the 13th, Pleasure 2035 is an erotic cyberpunk tale in which a sexy ex-vampire gigolo and a stubborn exotic dancer are bound together by the tragedies in their pasts and the promise of an unlikely future. It’s a little camp, a little vamp, and a whole lotta…well, you know.

Jovinius Markus Artinuous should have died at Thermopoly, but the betrayal of his wife forced him to wander the earth for two thousand years until a diabolical cure for vampirism returned him to mortality. Working undercover as a high-priced gigolo in the year 2035, his job is to provide any carnal pleasure his volatile clients desire, and tonight his clients want to watch him make love to a beautiful woman.

Mayflower, star performer at a swank nightclub in the Black underground, disguises herself as a pleasure synth to escape her insane boyfriend, but she ends up in the wrong place at the wrong time. A sexy gigolo yanks her out of hiding, offering her a choice: let him make love to her or risk death. The show must go on, and the amber-eyed Spartan’s expert touch awakens in Mayflower a primal need she’ll risk everything to explore.

Naughty Grammar Lesson #1

2009-02-22T12:45:00.000-08:00

I love grammar. Always have. I get really heated up when my adorable spousal unit and I start diagramming sentences, but that's neither here nor there. No, what's important is this post is the first in what I hope becomes a regular part of this blog, a new twist on an old favorite...

Naughty Grammar Lessons!

For our first naughty grammar lesson, let’s start with something basic. Even though I know you all know this, it never hurts to review.

DISCLAIMER: While these lessons are fully researched and thoroughly reviewed for accuracy, they may not be perfect. In fact, they could be completely wrong, but believe me, by the time you get done reading through them, you won't care.

Lesson #1 will cover the different kinds of sentences. There are four main types—declarative, interrogative, exclamatory, and imperative.

* A declarative sentence is one that simply states something. It ends with a period.
* An interrogative sentence asks a question. It ends with a question mark.
* An exclamatory sentence is like a declarative sentence, except it expresses stronger feeling and ends with an exclamation mark.
* An imperative sentence is a direct command. Depending on how forcefully it is expressed, the imperative sentence can end with a period or exclamation mark. The subject is understood to be “you.”

Now let’s look at some very naughty examples.

Declarative Sentence
I want you to lick my pussy.
She likes to suck cock.

Interrogative Sentence
Will you lick my pussy?
Will she suck my cock?

Exclamatory Sentence
He licked my pussy!
She’s sucking my cock!

Imperative Sentence
Lick my pussy.
Suck my cock.

See how easy that was? Check back soon for another naughty grammar lesson. Until then, happy writing!

Snowfire: Snow Job

2009-02-11T11:25:00.000-08:00

RETURN TO CAFE PRIAPUS

Released all during February, the Changeling Press Snowfire Collection, is available just in time to heat up those cold winter nights. The short stories will include Snow Job, in which Para Marshall Marina Fareeky meets her match in the oh-so-dreamy vampyre who lives in the frozen tundra at the top of the world, Aleksi Nicholas.

Para Marshall Marina Fareeky thinks her sham wedding day will end with her arresting the groom and most of the wedding guests after a raid, one she’s planned for months to get paranormal scum off the streets. Unfortunately, just as she’s ready to walk down the aisle, a minion from the Para Marshall’s office shows up and informs her there’ll be no raid…and no way to avoid her fate. She’ll either have to face her groom or face the icy tundra surrounding the castle, which no human can survive.

Aleksi Nicholas, eldest son of the Nicholas vampyre clan, stands waiting for his reluctant bride to shuffle down the aisle and into his arms. Pretending to be a criminal mastermind just to draw her to him has been fun but frustrating, and now he’s ready for the chance to convince Marina—through any carnal means necessary—that his passion for her is real, even if it takes an eternity trying to fulfill her every desire.

Ride 'Em, Girlfriend!

2009-01-11T11:59:00.000-08:00

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Just released by Wild Rose Press, Ride 'Em, Girlfriend! is an inter-racial contemporary western featuring a hot cowboy, a cynical literature professor, and even a few quotes by Robert Louis Stevenson. Hey, who says saddles and 19th century Scottish writers don't mix?

After surviving a degrading marriage and a disastrous love affair, Professor Rumani Gladstone isn’t just skittish; she’s determined. Vowing to never let herself get played again, she takes a teaching job as far away from her mistakes as she can get. Randy Stide, a strong, hunky cowboy with a sexy secret, offers Rumani a night of unforgettable passion that threatens her self-imposed exile and her self-control. Will the wary professor ride off into the sunset alone, or will she be smart enough to grab the reins and take a chance at love?

A Stranger's Desire

2009-01-11T11:57:00.000-08:00

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Now available--the novel version of Lilly's Reward, titled A Stranger's Desire, has been released from Ravenous Romance. If you liked Lilly and Beau's up and down (literally!) relationship, or if you'd just like to read the story of a contemporary Southern belle being tamed by a mysterious stranger she meets under rather unusual circumstances, try A Stranger's Desire. Can a passion that burns this hot really last? Warning: Contains graphic sex, bondage, ménage, masturbation, voyeurism, and mild capture.

Sometimes good girls have to do naughty things to get what they want, and Miss Lilly Gillingham is no different. Stubborn and determined, she'll do anything to make sure her mentor, Miss Jennetta, receives a proper burial. So what if she has to have sex with the funeral director in a casket to make it happen?

Beaumont Pistlewaite, a man with a penchant for wild women and even wilder sex, thought he'd seen everything until he happened upon the fiery Miss Gillingham involved in a carnal act of civic duty that would shock the wickedest of harlots. Untamed, she piques his darkest desires. Intrigued, he vows to claim her, no matter what.

Suddenly, Lilly finds herself being disciplined for her deed by the mysterious Beau in a most unexpected, delectable way. Together, they'll push boundaries of passion neither knew existed.

Three French Hens

2009-01-11T11:24:00.000-08:00

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Christmas in January? In March? In July? Why not? Treat yourself to a little holiday cheer any time during the year with the third story in Ravenous Romance’s 12 Days of Christmas series. Three French Hens mixes a little paranormal with a little BDSM as three French love goddesses weave a spell of desire around their favorite mortal and the woman he longs to pleasure beyond her wildest fantasies.

For years, Bella Noringer has secretly lusted after her older brother’s best friend, Rob. A sexy journalist with a reputation as a womanizer, he’s always avoided her. So why is he at the port where the newly single Bella is about to embark on a Christmas cruise to the Caribbean?

Rob Waldridge has his hands full with flirty sisters Mirelle, Martine, and Minette, three naughty French love goddesses who’ll stop at nothing to help him get what he wants this Christmas. He’s waited long enough, watching Bella grow into a stunning woman, and he’s come to the port to claim her and make her his own. Unfortunately, her ex-boyfriend has the same idea.

Mirelle, Martine, and Minette’s penchant for lustful pursuits usually leads to trouble, but this Christmas, their wanton desires just might help their favorite mortal and his amour enjoy a world of sexual delights beyond their wildest dreams.

Lilly's Reward

2009-01-11T11:23:00.000-08:00

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Released by Ravenous Romance in December 2008, short story Lilly's Reward throws propriety out the window and turns contemporary erotic romance on its ear. It's the basis for A Stranger's Desire, which will be released on January 15th by Ravenous Romance. Warning: Contains graphic sex, bondage, ménage, masturbation, voyeurism, and mild capture.

Sometimes good girls have to do naughty things to get what they want, and Miss Lilly Gillingham is no different. Stubborn and determined, she'll do anything to make sure her mentor, Miss Jennetta, receives a proper burial. So what if she has to have sex with the funeral director in a casket to make it happen?

Beaumont Pistlewaite, a man with a penchant for wild women and even wilder sex, thought he'd seen everything until he happened upon the fiery Miss Gillingham involved in a carnal act of civic duty that would shock the wickedest of harlots. Untamed, she piques his darkest desires. Intrigued, he vows to claim her, no matter what.

Suddenly, Lilly finds herself being disciplined for her deed by the mysterious Beau in a most unexpected, delectable way. Together, they'll push boundaries of passion neither knew existed.

Dream of the Dragon's Song 3: The Dragon's Queen

2009-01-11T11:22:00.000-08:00

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Just released in December from Changeling Press--the third installment in the Dragon's Song series.

Emerson, who edits dragon fantasy when she’s not looking for the perfect mate in New York City, wants a man who can dominate her and fulfill her every fantasy. Unfortunately, that man is a dragon who wants nothing more than to complete his mission and leave the godforsaken city in the future where it belongs.

Mojogan, a warrior dragon, comes through the time portal intent on not letting anything, or anyone, stand in the way of finding his lost niece. He doesn’t expect to find a sexy human woman who craves domination and responds so eagerly to his demands, and he certainly doesn’t expect to yearn for her submission.

He’s determined to keep the dragon secret safe, and she’s determined to protect her heart. Only when they give in to their passion will they discover the key to fulfilling the prophecy that will ultimately decide the fate of the Dragon Kind.

Firestorm--Charity's Never Been So Sexy!

2009-01-11T11:21:00.000-08:00

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Need something hot to heat up those cold winter nights? Changeling Press has just the anthology for you! Firestorm is a collection of ten short Paranormal Erotic Adventures from the Changeling Press family of authors. Royalties to be donated to National Disaster Relief efforts.

Catan’s Fire -- Jade Buchanan
Asad needs to teach his mate what happens to submissive Felidae who disobey orders. This is one lesson Catan will never forget!

Brimstone by Mistake -- Alice Gaines
Lucifer has grown tired of processing soul after soul through hell -- until Sally Upshaw appears unannounced. The little temptress turns him on as no other woman ever has. The problem… Heaven's made a mistake. What will Lucifer do when the Man Upstairs wants Sally back?

Shifting Priorities -- Anne Kane
Solar flares have sparked random firestorms amongst the out-ports, and stationmaster Tome Rimmer forbids females to travel alone -- a decision that doesn’t sit well with Jexx. Her battle implants should be adequate compensation for her gender. But when the sexy hunk she picks up in the station bar turns out to be more than human, she has bigger things to worry about than her profit margin.

Wolf Style -- B.J. McCall
When a wolf races out of the flames and straight into volunteer firefighter Matt Reynolds’ arms, he has no idea how his life is about to change.

Cougar Meadow -- Belinda McBride
When firefighter Ellie Cameron is separated from her crew and trapped in a firestorm, the last thing she expects is to be rescued -- by a shapeshifting mountain lion who awakens the heat buried within her -- and the need to mate.

Going Somewhere -- Cameo Brown
Leonora Palmer, an undercover arson investigator, gets an unexpected lesson in desire when the mysterious owner of a wild animal sanctuary catches her snooping in his garden and gives her no choice but to surrender to his primal needs.

Burning Down the House -- Isabella Jordan
Katurah has always had the ability to start fires with her mind. Will she use her powers now to end it all -- or will she give in to a fiery lover?

Stockings -- Jade Buchanan
What do you get when you throw a gorgeous female cat shifter, an enticing pair of stockings, and a very interested lady wolf into the mix? Enough heat to burn down the house...

Fire Thief -- Jordan Castillo Price
A glittery glam rock waif and a tattooed existentialist duck into a closet behind the bar. It’s just another gritty, anonymous, gay encounter in the dark…
Isn’t it?

Britta's Beast -- Kate Hill
When Max and Britta met at a convention for members of magical law enforcement, they seemed like a perfect fit. But Max believes women should raise the family while men do the protecting. Problem. Britta’s a Valkyrie, and that’s just not her style. Time for the centuries-old cat to learn a few new tricks -- before his lover takes wing.

Firehorse -- Mary Winter
When wildfires threaten a Nevada wild horse sanctuary, photographer Billie Mote takes one chance too many and finds herself needing rescue -- from a man who teaches her that there’s only one thing that burns hotter than the wildfire outside, and that’s the passion between them.

Mating Fever -- Selena Illyria
The moons are full, and Courtney's trapped with Devin Langley -- the man of her dreams. It's mating season for cat shifters, and she’s in heat. Perfect opportunity. The only problem -- she's been promised to another man.

Sensual
"...the Firestorm Anthology has something for everyone...the authors bring us to the edge of our seat with the variety and excitement of the various tales...these 12 short stories are sure to ignite fires in the readers as well...a wonderful collection."

The Romance Studio
"Each author has brought their own twist and uniqueness to each story...The characters are phenomenal...Readers who are looking for quick reads to get their engines going will be very satisfied with this book. Whatever your preference, whether it is shapeshifters or people able to control the elements this story has something for every paranormal romance reader. "

The Shopping Trip

2009-01-11T11:20:00.001-08:00

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The Shopping Trip is only available in the October 2008 print issue of Scarlet Magazine, the UK's hottest women's magazine.

Small town best friends Violet and Minda make a deal that they think will help keep their marriages together--Minda will lick Violet's pussy if Violet will use Minda's favorite dildo on her in return. Rationalizing that their arrangement strengthens their relationships with their husbands because it satisfies needs that their spouses refuse to fulfill, they go on "shopping trips," meeting different places to be together while their husbands sit at home, drink beer, and watch football. Everything is going fine until one wild encounter causes Violet--whose never been in love with a woman before--to wonder: Is this just an agreement between friends or something more?

Island Girls: Tropical Lesbian Erotica (The Survivors)

2009-01-11T11:20:00.000-08:00

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My short story, The Survivors, was published by Alyson Books in their travel anthology, Island Girls: Tropical Lesbian Erotica. In it, the destination wedding of a mutual acquaintance brings ex-lovers Chloe and Emma Rose together again, but will their reunion be bittersweet or just bitter?

Emma Rose, still grieving over the death of her mother after a long battle with cancer, finds her trip to a tropical island for the wedding of her boss, Andrew, is not going to be as cathartic as she'd hoped. Fate can be cruel, and Emma Rose discovers her ex-lover, Chloe, is the officiate for the wedding. Months ago, Chloe suddenly took off when Emma Rose's mother got worse, leaving her broken-hearted, angry, and confused. Emma Rose wants to hate Chloe, but she can't forget the passion they shared. Chloe wants to love Emma Rose, but she's afraid her secret will tear them apart...again. Only the healing power of love will bring them both what they truly seek: forgiveness.

Second Nature

2009-01-11T11:19:00.000-08:00

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Released from Red Sage in June 2008 and available on Kindle, Second Nature offers an eco-friendly twist on paranormal erotica. An amorous nature spirit with a soft spot for a misguided activist desperately tries to help her discover her true nature in time to save them both, as well as the forest they would both die to protect, by teaching her about the true nature of desire.

"Mate with me." This is the insistent demand wealthy tycoon Graham Norton makes on passionate activist Claret McDaniel. Never, "Make love to me." Never, "Let's have sex," or even a crass, "Let's do it, baby." But whenever he sees her, whenever they meet to argue over his recent land development plans to destroy her beloved forest, the only place she feels at home, Graham urges Claret, "Mate with me."

And all of Claret's attempts to remain professional and pure are slowly melting away under the persuasive gleam in his eyes. She begins to sense under his carefully groomed businessman's exterior beats an untamed heart. There's something primitive about Graham. Something mythical. Something not entirely human.

And whatever it is, she is about to find, deep within her unnatural human body ... its mate.

Lust at Sea: Disappear

2009-01-11T11:15:00.000-08:00

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Disappear is the first installment in the Lust at Sea series from Changeling Press. Widnek and his faithful wife, Seshi, captain the enchanted cruise ship, the Mist of the Seas. Every trip has the potential to be ship's last as they navigate through eternity, adding more lusty staff to help them battle one of the greatest evils the world has ever known. First on their agenda, find some security officers...

In 1046, a Viking ship called Sea Mist sinks beneath the churning waves of the North Sea during a gale. In 2008, an enchanted cruise ship, Mist of the Seas, surfaces in the Caribbean just in time for its maiden voyage. Filled with clueless humans, a frustrated warrior witch, a shape-shifting warlock, an intergalactic warrior-witch-training cannibal, and one very horny lemur, the voyage will offer two of the ship’s otherworldly passengers the chance of a lifetime. Unfortunately, one of them will have to die for either of them to take it.

Lorelei, a beautiful warrior witch who denies her heritage, steps on the Mist of the Seas with her human boyfriend hoping for nothing more than sun, fun, and a miracle cure for Kevin’s lack of prowess in the bedroom. What she gets is an unexpected visit from the dream lover who disappeared on her years ago. Maxim, a shape-shifting warlock trapped in the dream dimension because of his rejection of Colonia, an evil sea goddess, can’t resist the tempting warrior witch who makes him feel like a man again. He waits for the day when he can escape and take his revenge on Colonia; until then, he plans to help Lorelei explore her every carnal desire. Unfortunately, Colonia is on her way to exact the price that has to be paid for Maxim’s release, and only by embracing who she really is can Lorelei save her dream lover -- and herself -- from an eternity apart.

Bitten By Books
"...a fun, hot little read."

Dark Angels Reviews
"DISAPPEAR by Cameo Brown is an erotic joyride through the supernatural. From the first sentence to the last, it’s smoldering with sensual activity and action."

Romance Junkies
"Ms. Brown arouses one's interest from start to finish. Passion plays a starring role in this erotic story."

Dream of the Dragon's Song 2: Nioral's Quest

2009-01-11T11:14:00.000-08:00

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The second installment in the Dragon's Song series, Nioral's Quest brings together Nioral, a healer dragon, and Merigone, a beautiful bewitched maiden who may hold the key to mending Nioral's broken heart.

Nioral, healer dragon of the Kilsh Brood, spends his days collecting roots, mixing potions, and having human sex with as many women as possible. The evidence of the human females' desire produces strong medicine for the dragon kind, and Nioral is determined to pay back his broodmates for taking him in when his own brood, the Lynial, was wiped out during the Great Change. The gods are sometimes unkind, though, and Nioral, genetically coded to only know desire when he finds his bonding partner, feels nothing when he mates and believes he will spend his life alone, the last of the Lynial line.

However, a trip into the forest changes Nioral's life forever when he rescues Merigone, a bewitched beauty injured while trying to escape greedy villagers and the advances of Fudalon, the amorous King of Snakes. A healer herself, Merigone awakens in Nioral a deep passion such as he's never known, and he finds himself torn between keeping the dragon secret and loving the only woman he's ever truly wanted.

Whipped Cream
"Ms. Brown grabbed my attention on the very first page and I was enthralled throughout the book...a few twists and turns, intermingled into this fantastic world with strong and admirable characters...a good read for anyone who enjoys very erotic, fantasy romance, or for someone looking to explore a new genre."

Mammoth Book of Best New Erotica: Volume 7 (Grave Circumstance)

2009-01-11T11:13:00.000-08:00

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First published on Cleansheets.com in 2006, Grave Circumstance was included in the Mammoth Book of Best New Erotica: Volume 7, which was edited by Maxim Jakubowski and published by Carroll & Graf (US) and Constable Robbins (UK). You can find it at Amazon and Barnes and Noble.

Oliver Willoughby will do anything to please his beloved Betsy, even have sex in a cemetery. But there's more to their love than meets the eye. White trash lovin' with a Poe-etic twist for fans of sexy, creepy fun.

Excerpt: "I drive harder and faster now, and she's lovin' it. She likes to yell, and here in the cemetery no one seems to care. So I make her yell into the dense night, my strokes coming faster and my finger doing her clit. She's about to explode, and so am I."

The Perfect Sin

2009-01-11T11:12:00.000-08:00

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The Perfect Sin was published on Lucreziamagazine.com in 2008. It's the quietly haunting tale of a young woman's uncontrolled passion and the consequences of what appears to be even the most perfect sin.

How far would you go to have the woman you love? Would you destroy someone's life to build one of your own with her? Ellie, a cynical senior at St. Jonathon's Academy, finds out the day Rowan Garrett walks into her life in the form of an enthusiastic new teacher for her advanced biology class. Smitten from the beginning by the young instructor who embodies the essence of everything she finds beautiful, Ellie rides an emotional rollercoaster set into motion by her uncontrolled desire and selfish determination, one that will not end until she decides to commit the perfect sin, irrevocably changing both young women's lives in a way neither of them could have imagined.

The Finest Lick--Release Date TBD

2009-01-11T11:10:00.000-08:00

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The Longest Kiss anthology, which will be released by Mojocastle Press at a date TBD, includes stories of oral sex, including The Finest Lick.

Lea is obsessed with the idea of having someone lick her pussy but figures her fantasy will never come true after breaking up with her sniveling boyfriend, Jeffrey. She starts dating Dag Werner, a 1980s pop star and comeback artist, and is on the road to marital bliss when he insists she meet his daughter, Dagny.

The beautiful gallery owner, who appears to intensely dislike her soon-to-be stepmother, awakens in Lea a desire to resurrect her dead daydream even at the risk of losing everything, and Lea must decide what she truly wants for herself--the delectable daughter of her fiance or a lifetime of "what if"?

Free Stories! The Pleaser and The Dix Dilemma

2009-01-11T11:07:00.000-08:00

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Changeling Press offers a monthly free e-zine, A Cheeky Changeling, that includes free short stories called Encounters. They've recently made some them available--FOR FREE--through Allromanceebooks.com. If you like stories that are short, erotic, and FREE, check out my contributions, The Pleaser and The Dix Dilemma.

Dream of the Dragon's Song

2009-01-11T11:05:00.000-08:00

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It all started with a song...

Published by Changeling Press, the Dragon's Song series includes three entries so far. Released in October of 2007, the first installment, Dream of the Dragon's Song, challenged readers to keep the dragon secret as Reiz, crown prince of the Kilsh brood, and Sahwen, the mythical Sheperdess of Dozah, embarked on a journey fueled by unquenchable desire. Their passion started a cascade of events that will eventually decide the fate of all human and dragon kind, but that's a long way off...or is it? Come be enchanted by the a passion like no other!

The Shepherdess of Dozah's determination to save the dragonkind is tested when she clashes with Reiz, a warrior king whose voice almost brings her to carnal fruition whenever she hears it.

Reiz's sole purpose is to secure the safe passage of his younger brother back to the Kilsh Brood, where Reiz must soon take his place as king, and nothing more. But when Shepherdess willingly offers herself to him in exchange for the dragonling, their physical union will uncover dangerous passions and put their desire to the ultimate test, a test only the most worthy will survive.

ParaNormalRomance:
“The drama and passion between Sherpherdess and Reiz sets the pages on fire. Ms. Brown has written a treat for the reader. If you want a fantastic paranormal fantasy read then this is the book for you.”

TwoLips Reviews:
“…it’s full of passion and drama….Cameo Brown has created a delightful story with a great surprise twist."

Where Do We Get This Stuff--or, The Fellatio Chronicles

2008-07-18T09:21:00.001-07:00

People ask me if my own experiences play a role in my stories. I think this is just to get me to admit I’ve slept with two guys in the store room of the museum gift shop during a visit with my ex-best friend’s wedding party. While the goal for most is to get a little fodder for the women's locker room (“And then she said the guard wanted to join them!”), this brings up an important concept. Do authors get their ideas from their own experiences? If not, how do we come up with some of the sexy/wacky/bizarre/erotic/etc stuff we put our heroes and heroines through? I don’t speak for all, but I can say that for myself, my characters’ activities come from my observations of people and things around me, my imagination, and, yes, some of my own experiences. Let me provide you with one example that hasn’t yet found its way into my work, but it will. Here we go…

Do you ever worry about your breath when you give a blowjob? Not after, but before?

One time long ago, my paramour (now hubby) and I were, um, you know, being naughty. I had my mouth open, ready to give him the best fellatio he’d ever had—according to the how-to book I’d been reading, The Fellatio Chronicles--and I suddenly hesitated.

“What’s wrong?” he said, one eyebrow raised in concern. He’d really been looking forward to being the recipient of all my in-depth studies. He’d been volunteering to be my practice model since I bought the book. In a rather sheepish mode, I peeked around his pecker and put my hand over my mouth.

“I had onions on my sandwich at lunch,” I mumbled. I breathed into my hand and sniffed. He lifted his other eyebrow.

“What?”

“I said, I had onions for lunch,” I repeated, hiding a little behind his erection. When I looked at him again, he had his head on the pillow and his hand on his forehead.

“Meemers (he calls me Meemers), my Wow Machine (he calls his pecker his Wow Machine) doesn’t have any more olfactory capacity than your pussy or your nippies (he calls my nipples nippies).”

He was right, of course, but the thought had just struck me and I was trying to be polite. I guess after awhile it’s easy to think of a phallus as having a mind of its own. I wonder if men think the same of our phallus chalices or do they worry about such things?

Anyway, you know how I love smart men. After I heard the words “olfactory capacity” I really couldn’t think of anything except demonstrating my newfound knowledge. I got so excited I nearly…

Ah ah ah, I’m saving the details for a scene in one of my books, and now I think I know just which one!

Back to the keyboard.

Four out of Five Cocks, or Two Cocks Up

2008-07-12T20:34:00.000-07:00

I am on a bunch of writer and publisher loops, as most writers are. Inevitably, the subject of book reviews pops up now and then, usually from a writer who got a really good one (Yippee!) or a really bad one (Am I really that awful?). This has happened quite a bit recently, and I suddenly realized something. I don’t know of any review sites that use genitalia as their review or heat rating symbol. I’ve seen stars, lips, flames, flowers, wings, and other related symbols, but I’ve never seen a phallus or vaggy. Maybe I’ve missed something. I’ve written a bunch of short stuff that often doesn’t get reviewed (like the The Shopping Trip in Scarlet Magazine’s October 2008 Cliterature), so I’m sort of new to the book review process. However, I can just imagine my reaction to the following conversations between me and other people:

“Hey, congratulations. Disappear got four out of four stars!”
“Wow, that’s cool.”

as opposed to...

“Oh dear, I’m so sorry. Nioral’s Quest only got two out of five cocks.”
“Holy shit! There were five cocks up for grabs? Where? Where?”
“It’s only their rating symbol, Cameo, and two cocks isn’t really that good.”
“Two cocks is better than no cocks!”
******
“Hey, Second Nature got two cocks up!”
“Oh no, Disappear got two flaccid cocks.”
“Both are great. I can work with flaccid; it’s a temporary condition!”

I don’t know about you, but writing quality erotica would be much easier if at the critical stage where I’m ready to quit because the scene with the three-way isn’t going my way, I could think, “I’ve got to do this! I could get five cocks for this!”

Maybe I’ll start my own review site and use little itty bitty phalluses and tiny vaginas to rate the books. My only concern is that perhaps I’d start to feel bad about denying some poor writer a cock or vaggy, so everyone would get five out of five, and that wouldn’t help readers out at all.

Oh well, back to the bedroom.